Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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