the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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