i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
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