Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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