I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Just high enough for therapy.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
The adults are the big ones right?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
