Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
