Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
