i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
