Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
