I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
