I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
