I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
