If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
