Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
