I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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