Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
