haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
