bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
