Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Randomize
