You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
