Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
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