The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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