I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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