I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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