Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
