My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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