I cannot find my penis.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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