Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
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