phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
