if i can run in heels then i can drive
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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