Cold hands, warm shart.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
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