i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
