it's too hot outside to masturbate.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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