i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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