I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
