The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
