you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
