I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
