so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
