he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
