I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
