Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
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