you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
