This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
