i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
