If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
