Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
