Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
