turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
