My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
