Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
